Improving the greatest game ever to become the greatest game together

Not a hand egg but a ball moved with a foot

The World Cup is coming to a close as I update this and with England already out many of the flags and country wide support is over.  

We do so well supporting together that it breaks the barriers of football fans and non-football fans bringing the two as one.  Why can’t we have this all the time and not just for football?

So Brazil have lost their own game.  I found out from Facebook but all that crossed my mind as I saw someone who had predicted the score was “damn, 150/1 isn’t bad odds with hindsight”.

I think the World Cup, scratch that, football in general would be improved with a pinball multi-ball bonus triggered to happen by any two goal lead. This gives the incentive to actually keep scoring goals rather than watching 22 blokes take place in a confined lost cross country race for 90 minutes.

When that second consecutive goal is scored by the same team, a second ball is released that is visibly different to the normal bigs bladder being hoofed around.  Put glitter on it or make it have corners for banters; do what ever just make sure it is different and easily identifiable for the overpaid, GCSE restricted teams on the pitch.

Anyway, if the team that has conceded for a second time scores with this new bumbling bright nightmare of a ball then they are awarded two goals rather than one. Instant game* leveller.

This multi-ball can not be thrown in or used from a corner so is lost forever if kicked out of play. Normal play has resumed too consecutively so remember  you’ll have people going crazy trying to keep up with the mayhem. Try and pussy foot around diving with that curveball you over paid tarts.

Super Star Flashing Ball Combo

The super awesome flashing ball – the more I think about this, the more it should resemble the effect the invincible star has on Super Mario Bros but the more I think about it, that would mean those with epilepsy wouldn’t be able to enjoy all the footage but we can fix that.  Back on track, this super two point ball can stay on the pitch regardless of what is happening in other play.  I’d recommend for teams to try and keep the superball, score with the normo ball and then smash in the super ball.  That’s three points right there.

“But you have to stop play for stuff” you may ask.  Look this isn’t really my problem if an idea this awesome is going to work. They don’t stop in Formula 1 and we all know that F1 is just a giant test for things that end up in our road cars.  Football is like that but for vintage football shirts that prop up T-shirts that actually get worn in the bottom of drawers.

Right so back to the important stuff.  How do we play football without stopping play?  We can put a roller shutter that stops goals coming in whilst a ref does some finger pointing – all this happens whilst play continues.  This is important.  Think Death Race important.

Sexy stripy strips of plastic goal prevention technology

Roller shutters are slow I hear you say?  Then what about if we hung those plastic strips doors in sex shops from the cross bar of each goal but we use the sex shop inspired roots so when electricity is passed through them they become rigid. Rigidity stops any penetration.  There’s an example of irony you can take to the bank.

There, problem solved. Once everyone’s stopped crying, the shutters come up or the plastic strips go all flappy and goals can be scored again. Multi-ball can be strived for!  This sport may need more second referees or flag people or whatever they are called.  We are making jobs left right and centre here.

The only thing I find more boring than the eventual sameness of most football games on TV – ever been round to a mate’s house and find they’re watching a repeat of a match for the third or fourth time? No. Thought not.  The only time that happens is when someone can’t find the remote in that Spanish bar and all the TVs are stuck on MUtv.  Yeah the only thing guaranteed to be more dull than watching football on TV are the televised spaces between the two halves of the game actually being played.  Cue ex-footballers telling us how when they kicked the ball they remembered being told by older people to kick the ball but to remember that in the second half that kicking the ball the other way is now the done way.

The gap between gameplay halves should have more boobs or explosions or whatever we all vote for – democracy is key to improving things we are told –  in it rather than making audiences listen to people that used to run around fields but now spend all their time talking about sport with their big ears, chomping on crisps as they inaudibly promote healthy eating.  Gary’s parents ironically run a fruit stall but his family are more famous for providing shitholes that Lucy from Liverpool keeps getting her drinks spiked in every time she goes near somewhere with her matching T-Shirt posse.  Thanks Tenerife. Thanks Magaluf.  Thanks San Antonio.  Thanks Wayne.

8 more donations and the top comes off…

Football should look to boxing’s between round etiquette for inspiration. I present to you a topless rascalette holding a green screen board in front of herself covering the page 3 details. Scroll a charity across that board and after a certain figure is raised our heroine raises her board in return. Donations accelerate and everyone gets to see even more boobs or explosions or whatever we were all told to vote for earlier.  I would have to mention here that this feature would only be available in pubs.

This is something good coming from everyone taking part.  There would be a real sense of community returning to fill the gap of what is missing in our world.  No one would rob their neighbour would they?  We are just each others neighbours so something is going wrong.

Pubs have everything everyone of all ages have in common; a need for social interaction, beverages of all kinds and snacks.  It’s time we accept that villages, towns and cities are filling with people that can’t be arsed to get along with each other.  I don’t understand sport but I can play pool and duck at darts.  I’m also happy to chat to strangers after a couple of beers because after a couple of beers no one is a stranger.  And if we all stop being strangers we are all just friends meeting down a pub donating to charity waiting to see some tits or a multi ball bonus ball with corners being booted at a sex shop door of a goal as additional referees point and scream about “How the hell did this all become official”

Now that’s something I’d hold above my head and wolf whistle for.



PS *You just lost the game.

What do you think?

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