The Ideas Business

Ever thought “I wish I had thought of that idea! The people behind that must be well smart!”  Well now is your chance!

You see, I was full of great business ideas this weekend.

They were everywhere and each so amazing that I just haven’t got the time to do them all myself. This gave me another raging business idea.


I worked it out quickly with some assumptions and forecasting charts that I probably have enough great business ideas to open a business just selling ideas to people that want to get into business. Some people really want to make business work but need a good starting point, they need a good idea to champion as their own. They won’t want me, they’ll need me.

Now I realise that I need to give people some form of guarantee otherwise what’s the point of handing over a sizeable amount of monies to me if the idea isn’t any good? I say sizeable because luxury goods and great stuff in general is expensive. There’s nothing fundamentally different between a Primark T-Shirt and an Armani one.
Except the size of the hands making them. And some marketing. And an inflated “luxury” price.

The marketing is probably more important at this stage. Plus my ideas are the results of slaving hard away at the side of the ideas pit stoking the flames with heavy thought and concentrated frowns rather than letting any embroidery skilled children hands near the mix.

I love a little dip in the idea’s pot.

What other business idea company can you think of that can boast that?

I do that shit myself.

I tell you what, I’ll give you this one for free. I’ve tested it but I just don’t have time to keep doing it myself. This one’s easy.

Print a load of blank non-disclaimer agreements. Buy a stack of white envelopes and a stack of those squidgy “something important’s in that” Jiffy bags.
You’ll probably need an office but just ask a mate who works at one. There’s always a spare corner office that everyone assumes someone else is using. Just use that.

Put some pictures up of some great ideas; a dyson, peace, intergalactic space travel. You know, stuff people can easily tell, great stuff. On the wall. In a picture. Hope is a good one. A nice picture of hope. I can’t come up with them all.

Sit at the desk. Feel good? Feeling good!

Get your white envelope out and put some paper in it and seal it. Do the same with a Jiffy bag.

So you’ve put your pictures of great ideas up. Take your new potential client in and offer them the sealed white envelope but tell them not to open it. You could go through some of your good ideas in the past. This isn’t recommended.
Emphasise that in the white envelope is only a good idea.

Tell them that you sat there one day years ago and met a man who told you a great idea and it unfolded a bit similar to this. That you sat in a similar office surrounded by pictures of revolutionary MiniDiscs, One of those balls that shake which babies are scared of but are always bought, 99p flakes with a receipt that cost 99p.

Always important. Even when it’s just eBay tat.

Tell them that you’ve got a great idea but tap that Jiffy bag and double the price. Great ideas cost more.

I’m always interrupted at this point. Always some idiot who somehow made it past my imaginary PA comes swanning in thanking me about that great idea those years ago. So embarrassing. They even see that I’m with a new potential Client and carry on.  Ridiculous rudeness! I have to mention the non-disclosure agreement we have in place and that intruder will without guarantee say something stupid like “The nondisclosure is the best part Rem! I could have made the mistake of letting that great idea – they always emphasise the great – that great idea out into the world without my business secured to it for massive financial reward. Sorry but when are free next to sit down?”
This is where my new Client normally wants to just get everything signed and exchanged. It’s their turn not this scheduled intruders’!
Every time. Every single time!

So we now present the non-disclosure agreement which may also be a terms and conditions liability waiver if one was so inclined. Binding to both parties.  Neither of us can discuss what happens within these four walls and the information contained within the envelopes. Ever. I always explain to my Clients that who would be impressed if the Colonel’s recipe was just picked up from an ideas farm? Make sure you wink.  Winking helps comfort the Client and lets them know you are telling the truth.  They love a bit of truth.

Take your payment. Sign some more documents – this is a great way to check the colours of your pen collection when the red goes missing.

Real Hustle Jess doing charity work her way.

Shake hands.  Congratulate them on a fantastic purchase and that they should be very excited for their idea

And now the important bit; POST the Jiffy bag to your client. Tell them it’s for the postmark or something.

This won’t cost too much, we’ve just made enough to buy The Real Hustle and recast it all with just that Jess bird.

“What’s in the super important squidgy jiffy envelope?”

Just a peice of paper saying: “My best idea…”

In the bottom nice and small so it needs the extra squint.
Just here: PTO.

Otherside; “…is protected by a nondisclosure agreement. Remember?”


What do you think?

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